this week

Why not talk about this week? In the hierarchy of interesting subjects, I am going to put it well below the girl at work who OBVIOUSLY had a boob job, but at least above your dream last night which I know you are really psyched to tell me but which has lost so much in translation, not to mention we’re awake now – ok?

It all started with Mother’s Day (US) night. We came home from dinner, put Jonah to bed, sat down and then I immediately noticed 30 huge black flies, perched, one each, on the slats of our window blinds. I want you to imagine first what this could look like. It looks like an art installation- like insect performance art. For a millisecond I was impressed and awed. Then we started killing them.

The thing about flies is that it’s hard to say whether they’re easy to kill or not. On one hand, they can drop with just a tap (thus “dropping like flies”) as opposed to requiring a full smush (real smush, not the Snooki one). On the other hand (if you have two hands), they fly. So, ya know, that makes it harder.

But despite this, we got them all in a matter of time and then proceeded to clean up the carcasses. I had very little time to sit down and reflect on the bizarre Alfred Hitchcock-like experience we just had when a stark realization came over me: those 30 flies did not coincidentally all fly in here together, they were born inside our flat. I was pretty pleased with myself for recognizing this, but my self-congratulation was short-lived and far overshadowed by the ultimate bad news which is how flies are born. Don’t Google it. Several days later, it was all resolved. I am sure the mild trauma in the meantime will just give me more texture as a human being.

So then Bryan left for the US on a business trip. And immediately Jonah got the croup. Or croup. I don’t know if there is a precedent “the”. I also don’t really know if his official diagnosis should be croup, but it was my internet-research diagnosis. Despite me thinking it was an old-timey sickness no one gets anymore, like bubonic plague (but which is now spreading in the US), it turns out it’s a real thing. And my diagnosis stemmed from the fact that his cough was a dead ringer for all the website descriptions: “like a barky seal”. 100%.

So poor Barky Seal has been so sad this week, and so not himself. And in all my pregnant and working-furiously-because-maternity-leave-is-imminent glory, I was thinking it would have been a great week to not have Bryan fly to the US. Every time Barky Seal had trouble sleeping or I was worried about his breathing, I would bring him in the bed with me. But then I would have to remember to remove the kitchen knife I keep under the pillow while Bryan is gone. And that is a lot of multi-tasking for this brain. Someone at work asked me whether it wasn’t more dangerous to have a knife that could be wielded against me if there was an intruder. Maybe. But I am guessing that if you took the trouble to kick down my door and come to do something not socially acceptable, you probably have your own knife in tow. I just feel like we should be even. But I do not feel like Barky Seal should have a knife. And so that’s all I am saying, it’s a lot to remember.

I also left my very beloved Kindle cover on the tube, which I think is okay to bemoan. The same day, no accident, I smashed my pinky finger in the door at work. Totally my fault, and it took me by surprise and the pain was so intense that I just started crying. I know Tina Fey’s major advice to working women is “don’t cry in the workplace”, but I think it should be modified to state: “don’t cry in the workplace about work, but you can cry about bodily injury”.

Needless to say, I am very tired. But not too tired for this blog.

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13 Comments

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13 responses to “this week

  1. Sonya Ledanski Hyde

    Consider the utter exhaustion we mothers feel normally, I know it’s double when the our other half is traveling, triple when we’re pregnant, and it’s even quadruple when le bebe is sick, so that’s like….. caring for sextuplets in my humble opinion. Maybe even octuplets, but there is a precedent there.

    Anyway, I have had this week myself (in its own form) in the past and it’s not pretty. I hope you get a little daddy relief soon. Or at least Jonah punches the croup in the head. Or something like that.

    PS After reading this, Saro thinks you should give up the legal career and go full time writer. With pieces like this, I couldn’t agree more.

  2. deix

    oh, sad! what an awful week! i’m sorry. if it makes you feel any better, i once kept very large garden shears by my bed when mark was away. i would NOT have known what to do with them. i also kept my “watchdog” in bed with me who is pretty much deaf and would no doubt think any sort of intruder was a new friend. thinking of you! xo!

    • yael

      The garden shears absolutely make me laugh. Were you going to prune something on your attacker? xx

      • deix

        right? made NO sense. especially considering i had a set of knives in the kitchen. and, i’m with saro, it’s time to put this talent to use (i mean, you know, other than entertaining us with your fab. blog)! xo!

  3. erin

    oh no. I googled it. You told me not to, and I just COULDN’T listen. ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

    I hope you and your Barky Seal feel better.

  4. Elizabeth

    I remember a self-defense class where we were taught to keep a fork in a bedside drawer – perfect for jamming into an eye or testicle, but not so dangeroous for little hands. Hope Jonah feels better soon.

    • yael

      Now that is a REALLY good idea. Good tip for next time, thanks. Jonah is slowly on the mend but I do miss his little croaky voice a little… he was calling me “momby”.

  5. Poren

    Feel better, Jonah!! Yael, you are such a badass for keeping that knife. I am way too scared to imagine myself fighting anyone off with a true weapon. I guess if it came to that, I would have to employ the fight to the death with my bare hands while my cats hide under the bed method. 

  6. rebecca

    I can’t even believe the fly story. I’m dying to know where exactly in your flat they were born and what did you do to resolve it?

    Feel better Barky Seal.

  7. yael

    Erin and Rebecca, I will never, ever, ever divulge the exact genesis of the flies- or else no one will ever come to visit us at our flat again. Just be assured the problem has been taken care of. And also that it was a little bit Bryan’s fault. IJS.

  8. mdouris25

    I lived alone in NYC for years and never kept a “weapon” in my bedroom (or even my cell phone for that matter) – now when Rob’s away, I make sure both of my cell phones are on my nightstand and keep the fork (also learned in high school self defense) right next to the phones. The irony? I’m pretty sure that even if Rob were home, I’d be the one doing the defending.

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