“live” blogging the bachelor finale

Many aspects of my life are out of my control at the moment. And I have a raging headache. And fatigue deep in my bones. You know what this calls for?

THREE HOURS OF REALITY TELEVISION.

Just a few thoughts from last night’s finale of this season of The Bachelor on ABC:

  • I have decided to dub this season The Bachelor: Damaged Goods Edition. In the end it came down to a whorin’ hick who once eloped on a whim and whose daddy still hasn’t gotten over it and a beautiful squeaky-voiced goody two shoes who never lets a sentence slip from her mouth not somehow involving her traumatic previous divorce and broken heart/ ego/ spirit/ will to live.
  • Jake often refers to Tenley as “too good to be true”, “too perfect” and up on a “pedestal”. Pot meet Kettle. If you don’t believe me, ask Jillian.
  • Jake often says he wants a partner for the next “60 years of his life”. I think it’s creepy he knows he wants to die at age 92. Or get a divorce then.
  • Jake said he was so honored his family “shut down their lives to come help him find true love”. I bet that was why they did it and not for the all-expenses-paid first-class tickets to a 4-star resort in St. Lucia courtesy of ABC.
  • Mom, do not show your bra straps on national tv.
  • It would suck if your future husband was quoted as exclaiming (exclaiming!) “I have NO idea who I am going to propose to!!” That’s a sentence you never want to hear.
  • Mom kept saying it’s women that hold a family together. They are the glue. TRUE, momma. Even the tramp stamped ones.
  • Tenley, stop telling everyone about your divorce.
  • Tenley, don’t tell prospective in-laws you are “looking for a family to take me in as theirs”. You will come across as a mangy stray dog or as an orphan. Please sir, more porridge.
  • The dealbreaker was that Tenley didn’t know that when Jake sits on the edge of a pool, he’s pushing you in.
  • Vienna, when your future in-laws asked what you liked about their son, you answered “he’s sweet… sometimes”. Now, I appreciate that glowing and descriptive praise, but you should have been honest. You like his rock hard pecs.
  • Mom spells her name “Sallie”. Yuck.
  • Tenley is like Eddie Murphy’s intended in Coming to America. Whatever you want… Whatever you like…
  • A date involving mud wrestling with a boob job in a bikini? NO YOU DIT-INT, ABC.
  • Vienna’s roots are the color of the mud. Is it that hard to get a blonde dye job in the State of Florida?
  • Mud covered they look like the blue people in Avatar. I never saw the movie though.
  • “I enjoyed covering you in mud.” I don’t even know what to say about that.
  • Vienna BROKE her dad’s heat by eloping once. You know what did NOT BREAK his heart? His wife being a topless dancer + his daughter working at Hooters + his daughter getting breast implants + his daughter getting a huge tacky tattoo near her ladyparts + his daughter entering a wet bikini contest + his daughter posing semi-nude for a calendar delivered to customers of a lawn & tree service.
  • Promise rings sick me out. Unless you mean this.
  • What is Physical Chemistry that is different than Sexual Chemistry? Jake, you are an enigma wrapped in a riddle wrapped in a 23 year-old.
  • I bet in The Rules it tells you not to tell a man you want to marry that he is the first man you have kissed since your ex-husband, Tenley.
  • Dolphin tattoo? Why not Tweety or a butterfly?
  • Neil Lane himself is on the show?!! SLUM-ming.
  • I will hand it to Jake, he cried while rejecting a girl.
  • I thought Tenley was handling it like a classy broad until she thanked Jake for the 100th time for something. Stop thanking the dumper!
  • Question: if you wear an awesome dress with far-out heels and your make-up is totally rocking and your hair is perfect and your bling is sizzling, and then you get dumped, you should still go out that night, right? Otherwise, such a waste of looking wicked hot.
  • Off-the-shoulder dresses are really in this episode.
  • Jake cried more dumping Tenley than proposing to the love of his life.
  • I fast-forwarded through the commercials. Is Jake on DWTS? Too many cross-promotions. Is Wes playing the guitar at Jason and Molly’s wedding?
  • My heart hurts.
  • You have a friend for life.
  • Did you notice that when Jake said Vienna was his “baby”, they had “heat” and it was a “fairy tale”, it looked like Chris Harrison quickly vomited in his mouth before he pulled himself together?
  • I like the ‘On the Wings of Love’ better when Jeffrey Osborne is singing it.
  • It’s weird that Facebook wouldn’t let Ali miss more than a few weeks to find true love with Jake but now she can take months off to be The Bachelorette.
  • I feel so empty. My heart hurts.
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4 Comments

Filed under culture i guess, quantum physics, tv

4 responses to ““live” blogging the bachelor finale

  1. Aunt Barky

    ::applause::

    Yael, I actually think now you are my baby.

  2. toshalot

    is barky up at 5am my time or her’s?? oh, and i am a big fan of the promise ring aka nuvaring. i do spot commercials all over the bay to my friends’ amusement and sometimes horror. i’ve never once watched the bachelor but appreciate that i can count on your blog to let me know how i feel about each season. thanks. baby;)

  3. Aunt Barky

    I was up at 5 am London time, which is I think midnight-ish my time. Pregnancy-insomnia. It’s the perfect time to catch up on reality TV gossip and blogs.

  4. NeNe

    This, as of a couple hours ago: Radar Online is reporting that Bachelor star Jake Pavelka cheated on fiancee Vienna Girardi after the couple got engaged on the popular reality show. According to the report, Jake contacted an ex-girlfriend after production of The Bachelor ceased and tried to win her back, telling the woman that Vienna meant nothing to him.

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