guest blogger #1: big pipes

While I am on a week of vacation/holiday (not the kind where you lay in a lounge chair with a pina colada, but the kind where you carry heavy suitcases to five different homes and sleep in six different beds in one week), some friends have agreed to fill my VERY BIG shoes. Let’s all be nice and post comments for them (you stingy mofos, you).

———-

Yael’s tired of her celebrity blogging status so she asked me to step in and post about office life in America.  It seems she doesn’t remember what it’s like to slave away in a Spartan like existence while being underpaid and underappreciated.  She’s gotten used to fancy British office things like tea every ten minutes and eavesdropping on interesting conversations between her co-workers David and Gareth.  I don’t get fish and chips at the boardroom meetings but, I too have “interesting” co-workers.

Mary Ann is horrible at what she does and doesn’t show up that often to do it.  But, when she does find her way in from Staten Island (Fresh Kills land fill in da house!) she cackles, snorts and howls at the top of her lungs all day while continuously talking to her friends over the phone.  Now, I’m not sure if it’s the caffeine pills I’m taking or the fact that her cell phone meows like a damn kitten every time someone calls, but Mary Ann is driving me crazy.  So, my co-workers Michael, Dwight, and I came up with a game to make our Mary Ann a little more tolerable.

This game is like CandyLand for frustrated white collar back office workers.  Here’s how it goes.  Feel free to play along.  1)  Every time Mary Ann snorts you have to say an interesting fact about your neighborhood.  For example, did you know Al Capone was married in Brooklyn’s very own Carroll Gardens?  2)  Every time she cackles you have to say an interesting fact about Shaquille O’Neal, who just happens to have been raised on an Army base in Wildflecken, West Germany.  3)  Finally, every time she says “OH MY GOD!!!!!!!” at the top her lungs, it’s a social and everyone drinks…..water, coffee, and obviously beer if you work in Britain.  Trust me, it’s a great game and goes a long way towards drowning out the cat phone and Mary Ann’s voice as she calls her boss an “oxymoron.”

Loyal blog readers let the world that is Yael’s blog hear your office story.  Tell us about your annoying co-worker’s habits and Yael promises to send you one of her favorite things (she’s the British Oprah).  If no one else comments Ames has to because she is my wife…..and I know her password…. and will I sign in and make several intelligent and witty comments on her behalf………..

P.S. Mary Ann just came in.  Did you know that Shaq starred in the move Blue Chips as Neon Bodeaux?  This coincidentally will also be the name of my first child.

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18 Comments

Filed under career, celebrities

18 responses to “guest blogger #1: big pipes

  1. mira

    OH MY GOD!!!!!!!! This (snort) is (cackle) awesome. Oh wait…my cell phone is ringing…gotta go. Did I tell you I just changed my ring to a cat’s meow?

  2. Rebecca

    How fun to have celebrity bloggers! Yael I am very impressed with your forward-thinking and consideration of your fans.

    As a general matter, anytime I hear a co-worker use the phrase “let’s think outside of the box” or “hit the ground running” or “let’s be solutions-oriented” I want to curl into a ball and scream like a baby.

  3. Rebecca

    I meant “guest bloggers,” not celebrity bloggers. sorry.

  4. Can I talk about how my former co-worker Yael used to leave early every Friday to attend some wedding in some Caribbean island, and then had the balls to complain about it? Seriously!

  5. A-MOR

    Oh, no you di’nt. Husband, you don’t tell me when you take on these exciting projects. This is your wife, the blog poster formerly known as Ames. I guess we’re even since I didn’t tell you I changed my blog-posting name. And, BTW, I’m making it known in the blog universe that my first child will not be named Neon Bodeaux. It’s a fine name for my second child, though. xoxo

  6. big pipes

    I love being famous. I’m surprised Mike Maddox didn’t comment. He must be hang gliding in Brazil again. A-MOR, to clarify, the child’s name will be Neon…Just one word, like Prince.

  7. mira

    Given the Italian Stallion’s reputation in the world, and the tendency of the young and old to swoon at even the very mention of his name, and the rave reviews he has garnered throughout his life on his many endeavors, including dramatic: Wife of Bath circa 1988; and athletic: W-L baseball (1990-1994), and otherwise (years: many), I think Becky’s Freudian slip of “celebrity blogger” is actually quite appropriate.

  8. big pipes

    thank you mira. it was wierd when i stepped outside for lunch and people started taking pictures of me. it reminded me of my favorite episode of Gossip Girl.

  9. mira

    No problem, Big Pipes. I just call it like I see it 🙂

  10. Bryan

    By the number of responses, I’d say that productivity at Big Pipes, A-Mor’s and Mira’s offices have plummeted today. Nice work kids.

    John – Did you know that Shaq has released 5 rap albums: Shaquille O’Neal Presents His Superfriends, Respect (1998), You Can’t Stop The Reign (1996), Shaq-Fu: Da Return (1994) and Shaq Diesel (1993). You Can’t Stop The Reign is a friggin’ classic.

  11. big pipes

    actually i have just downloaded “You Can’t Stop The Reign” to my cellphone. Prepare for battle kitty kat.

  12. mira

    Bryan – being that I am the extremely powerful head of an unbelievably powerful non-profit organization, and being that I spent the morning in a bleak and dreary meeting otherwise known as the Joint Commission on Health Care, I have taken it upon myself to delare today “Look at Yael’s blog three times a day” day. So there.

    Now, back to my extended lunch break.

    Hope you’re enjoying your long, extended Euro style vacay! kisses.

  13. listgirl

    This is by and far the best post yet on “the part where we moved to london.” Seriously.

  14. yael

    I am just so happy you are all upping my daily page views.

    I should tell you all in response to Brian’s aspersions of me as a co-worker, I also frequently brought in homebaked goods and offered to introduce him to people to expand his social circle so he could get invited to more Caribbean weddings. But he was always too busy at home watching The Dark Crystal.

    Now back to my relaxing vaca.

  15. toshalot

    all this time.
    all this time i thought you were all people i’d never met. i mean, that is if you’ve chosen terribly cryptic screen names. i don’t know, i’m always out of the loop, but i feel silly now bc i’m realizing that big pipes is john and ames is amy. rouse, right? hmm. all this time …

  16. Maddo

    fell behind on the blog (read: dont give a shit unless it’s yael blogging). thanks for allowing the googlers of the universe to know that i have little else to do than quickly comment on blogs all day…

    Big pipes is a god…only by marriage.

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