my (in)sincerest apologies

Over the weekend I got an email from my friend Daniel expressing his disappointment in my blog of late. Daniel is also an ex-boyfriend of mine and his comments were a painful reminder of the time in 11th grade he called me flat-chested during a football game: somewhat accurate and yet still so mean. So after I picked the pieces of myself off the floor, I pondered why I have let my three most loyal readers down. Because I am working? Have been sick? Because it now gets dark in London at lunchtime and my Seasonal Affective Mood Disorder is in full effect? We’ll never really know the answer. And yet, I still have nothing. So you all can thank Daniel for the drivel to follow. You will be dumber just for reading on.

  • England has somewhat embraced Hallowe’en. No candy corn to speak of, but adults do organize costume parties. Batman costumes seemed to be the most popular this year. I was actually secretly relieved there were no Sarah Palins. Because as this person in New York kindly shared…

Bryan always has to dress up at work. NERDY. And this year he was a 70s runner. Just one of the many costumes so flattering to his physique.

  • While co-existing in the flat during football on tv on Sunday, one minute before the Jets scored their first touchdown Bryan screamed “You should be fired Eric Mangini! I hope they fire you tomorrow. I hope. They fire you. You stupid schmuck.” Schmuck? Somehow Woody Allen momentarily inhabited my husband’s body. I can think of some more masculine expletives to shout than weird Jewy yiddishisms.
  • The best way to tell how long I had been out of a corporate environment is how excited I get to go to the supply room at work now. Every floor has one. They are always fully stocked, beautifully organized and anything I need seems to be available for free. I still look around shamefully like I’ll be caught red-handed with a fistful of Post-It color tabs and a brand-new purple binder. I definitely carry the loot back to my office quickly and with my head down.
  • Christmas has come to London. Apparently without the American-created barrier of Thanksgiving, there is nothing stopping the British from joy-induced apoplexy beginning in October. I spoke to Jesus btw and he generally approves of Santa Claus-related litigation.
  • I am a total mute in public in this country. I never want people to know I am American. Not in an unpatriotic way- more in the way that I don’t want to add to any fatigue the locals might have towards the hundreds of thousands of obnoxious expat and tourists that invade here from the New World each year. I sometimes engage in entire transactions in stores with head nods and smiles. But you know me. Being quiet is so hard. So sometimes on the tube in the evenings when everyone is pissing me off because they’re cramming right inside the doors of the train, I scream “CAN YOU PLEASE MOVE ALL THE WAY DOWN SO WE CAN GET ON?!” And then every one stares at me in disgust because I am such an American.
  • My mom just joined Facebook. Do you think this is what Mark Zuckerberg had in mind?
  • Everyone in London over the last two weeks has been wearing poppy pins on their lapels- commuters on the tube, tv personalities, politicians. I guess these are the exciting surprises you get when you’re new somewhere. Next Oct/Nov I’m going to be like YAWN I am so over poppy pins. It turns out they are for Remembrance Day and it is the people’s way of honoring the brave servicemen and women that have served Great Britain in the “Great” Wars. I don’t know, I just feel like they should do what we all do and rent a house at the beach for a 3-day weekend and get drunk.
  • I don’t know if Daniel ever really apologized for calling me flat-chested. I’m just saying.
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6 Comments

Filed under blogging, bryan, family, friends, holidays, london, sports

6 responses to “my (in)sincerest apologies

  1. I too find that office supply rooms here are SO much better stocked than in America! It’s like the offices KNOW that we need much better office supplies to have a happy existence and so we get them without being nickled and dimed to death for every single green pen.

    Seeing as tomorrow is Bonfire night, and thus a national holiday in November, you’d think the Brits could have at least waited until after tomorrow to start the Christmas onslought. But no… it was going by 15th October up here. Blecch.

  2. Rebecca

    I am very pleased with this blog entry. I too noticed this morning that Christmas has arrived because Starbucks has officially broken out the Christmas cups.

    I’m slightly surprised you didn’t blog about DeAnna and Jesse breaking up btw. Oh and nice use of “btw.” You are getting so good at the hip acronyms.

  3. So which is worse? Dealing with the indignity of being called flat-chested at the age of 11, or the humiliation of being treated like an American tourist when you are a London resident?

    And btw, do you find it liberating living in a country where the men are expected to hide their boob-fixation for reasons of politeness?

  4. Erin

    One day in seventh grade, I walked into a classroom to find “Healy’s so flat the walls are jealous” written on the blackboard (which I guess was probably also jealous). Still waiting for my apology, Louis. Still waiting.

    You do owe us thoughts on the Bachelorette developments……

  5. toshalot

    #1 if he called you ‘flat chested’ that means he was spending a lot of time looking at your chest. be flattered.
    #2 i think your blog is still fun to read and brings a smile to my face each day when i read your entries out of order.
    #3 you need to revise your approximation of how many readers you have bc … i’m afraid you’re not including me in that 3 and as i see it if you include all of your parents, in-law parents, siblings, in-law siblings, and all of the n.e.r.d.s you are way over ten. so, no more sympathy for you on the no-one-reads-my-blog front.

  6. yael

    Hmm, I never thought of that. I might live in a country where the men don’t ogle… so oppressive.

    I can’t even blog about DeAnna and Jesse because I am so happy they broke up. You know it’s because he labeled all his shelves by pots & pans etc, right?

    Maybe it’s five readers toshalot. You would be surprised to know much of my family does not read it. They claim to have more important things to do (???). I think it’s because they don’t want to read about my chest.

    Whoa, that was a lot of commenting effort. I have to go back to bed.

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