I guess not a lot has happened in my life in the 36 hours between Paris and Tuesday. I just watched last night’s episode of The Bachelorette, and you know that has sustained me on this earth at least another day. Even though my mom gave the ending away in the subject line of one of her emails to me. But that did not upset me because I have been thinking a lot about The Secret and The Law of Attraction– vague concepts that from snippets of Oprah episodes I have gleaned to mean: “The more you step in poop, the more it stinks.” Oh wait, Billy Ray Cyrus said that. But nonetheless, I am going to start controlling my thoughts towards positive ends: like an end to world hunger and cellulite.
I have also had a nagging cold for five days, which I think is finally making its exit. Nowadays I get sick about once a year and Bryan always mysteriously is unavailable to assist me. He asked me last night if I wanted some tea, and when I said yes, he turned the switch of the electric kettle (oh you know we live in England) to “on.” Then when it whistled, I still had to get up and prepare the tea myself. In his mind though, he helped me. And that’s all that matters, right…what the mind thinks. That’s The Secret. When Bryan says he’s sick though, every 2 weeks, he declares without a doubt that he is dying from SARS or mad cow disease or the flesh-eating bacteria disease. And I always dutifully buy medical face masks and make the tea.
So I could have used his hypochondria yesterday when I told him about our annual visit from the gas man. See, our boiler is IN OUR BEDROOM, which doesn’t seem right, and I am was borderline convinced it is going to explode and I am going to burn alive in my cute aquamarine duvet cover. The gas man said, “ideally it wouldn’t be placed in this way, but it’s fine.” Cue the creepy foreshadowing. I then tried to convince Bryan we might be in imminent danger. He fiddled with the carbon monoxide tester and then promptly fell asleep. I am pretty sure he accidentally turned it off. Which I guess we will never know until we are looking down from heaven. And yes, I am pretty sure I am going to heaven because I have fed the homeless several times.