americans in london

People have been finding this blog lately by typing in search terms having to do with Americans looking to re-locate here. Ooooh yeah sorry about that. I guess I should be more helpful instead of posting youtube clips.

Survival Guide for Americans in London, so far:

  1. Do not eat prawns with mayo. Ever. You will see 4 million of these sandwiches at every establishment. Do not be tempted. If you bite into one, the U.S. government automatically revokes your citizenship.
  2. Mind the gap.
  3. Eat a lot of bacon before you come. And have some self-respect once you get here. Only streaky bacon for you.
  4. Be prepared to cut off communications with the people back home for the first month you’re here. Your internet, cable and satellite will be installed by highly trained highland sheep that, while impressively trained, do not have opposable thumbs. So things take a little longer.
  5. The inanities of the infrastructure will always confound you. Tube and train lines will randomly be closed for mysterious “signal failures” or “removal of inactive WWII bombs” and people will queue (line up) 342-people deep for a cashpoint (ATM).
  6. You will never, ever, ever be more than 20 feet from a pub. You will love that. I think pints (beers) are really called bitters or lagers or ales, or something, and they are served at more of a room temperature and it is manly here to drink cider.
  7. Bring lots of your favorite deodorant because I don’t think they will have your brand.
  8. Be prepared to meet lots of other expats.
  9. Re-introduce yourself to the goodness of meat & potatoes. Sunday Roast, baby.
  10. Win the lottery before you come. There is no Old Navy here.
  11. If it is warm and sunny, set your alarm early and make a beeline for the nearest park and then camp out until it closes. If it’s overcast, um, it’s Tuesday.
  12. Ween yourself off American sports. And celebrity gossip. Start learning about football (you know the kind I mean) and Kerry Katona.
  13. Practice saying “cheers,” “quite,” and “lovely” in a mirror so you don’t look like a wanker when you try and drop them here.
  14. Bring Twizzlers and lots of American tv shows on DVD.
  15. Buy a new wallet since the currency is bigger and involves more coins.
  16. As a woman, you need lots of pairs of tights. Men- get a fauxhawk and at least one tight suit.
  17. For American beef, go to Automat. For American breakfast, go to The Diner. Say goodbye to American cheese.
  18. Don’t pack any sports jerseys or ironic graphic tees.
  19. Learn what ‘chip and pin’ and ‘top up’ means.
  20. Stop using the word “vacation.”
  21. Know that you will have to look at 30 flats and that estate agents are a necessary evil.
  22. Give up, and look both ways before crossing the street.
  23. Have a doctor surgically alter your internal body temperature. No air conditioning on public transportation.
  24. Get ready to travel.
  25. Enjoy one of the greatest cities on earth. And call us.
Advertisements

3 Comments

Filed under exchange rate, food, london, prawns, sports, tv

3 responses to “americans in london

  1. Sam

    that’s a great post, yael. nice one.

  2. Love it.

    re: 12, Not just Kerry Katona, you have to follow Katie Price and Jade Goody. And reunited boy bands you never heard of the first time around (Westlife?)

    Re:16, men should make sure the tight suit is pinstripe and wear it with a checked shirt and striped tie. And if the pinstripes, checks and stripes are all pink, even better.

  3. Pingback: googlers, come to me « the part where we move to london

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s