Aka “the full English” aka “a fry-up.”
Or as I like to call it: “the worst idea in history.”
It is rare the person not familiar with a classic British breakfast. Maybe you’ve traveled to the UK, or you’ve seen it in the morning at a hotel or resort somewhere tropical that happens to also cater to British tourists.
In case you are totally unfamiliar, here is the basic rundown: eggs, bacon, sausage, black pudding, a cooked tomato, baked beans and mushrooms.
Now if that doesn’t whet your appetite, it’s only fair we go through the ingredients more in depth:
Eggs: Actually normal. Usually organic and fresh, so especially yellow. That might freak some Americans out.
Bacon: NOT the delicious bacon you are thinking about right now. NOT the kind you might have on your BLT later or in my father’s amazing spaghetti carbonara. Nope. “Back” bacon, which is a different part of the pig and loosely translates to “vile and hideous and smelly.”
Sausage: Hmm. Sausage is really such a loose concept anyway, right? So I will let this one slide.
Black pudding: Now the fun begins. This is cooked animal blood, congealed with a thickener. Besides the fact that I would rather throw this 30 feet across the room (or 9 metres across, if I am being ethno-sensitive) than have it anywhere in my general vicinity, I take special umbrage with the name. I really love London. And England. And the British. I really, really do. But- how do I say this gently, it is just morally wrong to call so many things “pudding.” Pudding can’t simultaneously mean encased meat AND dessert (menus here call the dessert section “puddings”). AND bread!!!! (Yorkshire.) You have got to be kidding.
Cooked tomato: Yep, this has got to go too. Cooked tomato, know your role! Get back on my spaghetti and meatballs where you belong!
Baked beans: Look, it’s weird sure. I’ll admit it. But who doesn’t love baked beans? So in lieu of anything else edible, I often enjoy these. I am sad though that the most beloved of British foods- baked beans (people eat them for breakfast and on toast as a snack)- are 100% sold here by the Heinz monopoly. An American company.
Cooked mushrooms: Now I’m just pissed.
Basically, I never go out for breakfast. This saves me money and additional fat rolls. Thank you gross British Breakfast, thank you!!