I just keep thinking I will wake up as a great and dutiful blogger. And then instead I wake up disheveled, tired and starving for sultana bran.

Sultana bran, you say? That is a generic and British version of Raisin Bran. And I have no idea why, because I generally do not care for raisins, but it’s now one of two things that I eat constantly. Around the clock. In lieu of all other foods. Sultana bran and pretzels. Which I also hate. And which are pretty American (or maybe German- who the hell knows or cares), but we found a decent version in this country.

It’s weird but I actually spend a good part of each day of my life standing in the kitchen, opening the fridge, closing it, opening a cupboard, closing it, repeating each step multiple times, weighing options, calculating things in my head, and then I eat an entire bag of pretzels. Sometimes dipped in humus but often plain. Or I eat sultana bran, unless we’re out of milk. Or out of sultana bran. And then I eat pretzels. I don’t know how it happened that I eat constantly two things I don’t like that much- why I am so obsessed- how this all came to pass. What is ambivalent, repetitive eating? What does it mean? When Bryan goes out of town and I have no compelling reason to cool, it’s like a sultana bran free-for-all up in here.

In a desperate attempt to expand my breakfast repertoire, I recently asked Bryan to make me toast. When he brought me the slice I asked why he only buttered the middle. “It melts”, he said. I am pretty sure that’s not how butter works- at least not the physics involved with toasted bread. I really hate when the outside is not delicious.

So the point was I am a lame blogger. And that’s one of my favorite topics to blog about. Anyway, sorry. Sorry sorry sorry.

There’s a lot I should be writing about. But this post is coming to you while my family is currently living la bonne vie en France. My mom, Micah, Janelle and our little threesome are all in Paris seeing the sights, showing Jonah how to be a world traveler. Also we are looking hard for mini-berets.

Then we all had back to London for a proper American Thanksgiving. I am shocked by how available and heavily marketed American Thanksgiving products are in London. No, no I am not.

It will be a wonderful beginning to a happy holiday season that we are looking forward to in London. Big changes. Bryan has accepted a job with a new company to start in the new year and so now we are firmly entrenched in London for a time. Or forever. Who knows. Only adonai. And Miss Cleo.

In case you haven’t seen it (but let’s face it, I am the last to see everything), it’s worth clicking on every page. Also, I am from a different country. Please?

(Thanks Faye.)

Also, a note on time. I finally got used to the 24 hour clock… you know, military time. But I cannot get used to the way the Brits say “half six” to mean “six thirty” as a time of day. I say it sometimes to fit in but I always feel like I’ll be found out as an imposter. Honestly though, I will say it for the rest of my life if it means I never have to run into an American wearing a fart tshirt.

I have no idea why I couldn’t blog for a whole week. I am just going to go ahead and chalk it up to exhaustion, kay? Jonah is not one of those babies that sleeps through the night. Not even close.

First things first, we took friends and saw Louis CK do stand up Saturday night. Oh sweet J*sus, thank you for coming to London. (youtube him since they disabled my clip)

So I am not sure if my 7 readers are still out there, but in case you are- please help yourself to the following (straight from my Gmail inbox to you):

This my brother Josh’s desktop background on his work computer. Best desktop ever.

Josh also recently took this photo of his newlywed in Napa. I can’t believe he took it, and I never get tired of looking at it. Maybe it will make you happy too.

Trina turned hers into a unicorn. Bryan and I ate mine as placenta parm. The possibilities are just endless. See for yourself here.

Mira’s friends had 15 minutes of fame after taking a photograph every single day of their son’s first year. Check it:

And finally, let’s talk about American tv again. I confess that I have not tried even one of the shows you all were generous enough to suggest some time ago. But that’s because I barely watch tv these days. Sad because it was my one true hobby in life. Bryan has so many hobbies… golf, tennis, watching sports, fantasy sports, guitar, xbox, iPhone applications, writing terse emails to our landlord, etc. I am so boring. So let’s discuss this article my friend David sent us, The Best TV Shows of the 00’s:

1. The Wire: yes
2. The Sopranos: fair enough
3. Arrested Development: oh hells yeah (I feel really white so far)
4. Freaks and Geeks: shame, never saw it, shame
5. Mad Men: one day I will actually watch this
6. Breaking Bad: need to see it (loved him on MITM)
7. The Office UK: yes, yes, yes
8. Lost: at least for the first few seasons
9. Deadwood: cannot bring myself to watch this
10. The Shield: no interest
11. The Office US: yes and yes. Kelly Kapoor. And Nard Dog.
12. Battlestar Galactica: sigh
13. 30 Rock: only because of Tracy Morgan
14. Futurama: can’t do it
15. Veronic Mars: are you serious?
16. Friday Night Lights: WHY IS THIS ALL THE WAY DOWN AT #16???
17. Firefly: yawn
18. How I Met Your Mother: I mean…okay, maybe I would feel differently if I had ever seen an episode outside of a commercial airline flight
19. Big Love: yes, because it went old school and brought villains back
20. Tim and Eric Awesome Show, Great Job!: need to see this
21. Curb Your Enthusiasm: oh yes
22. Six Feet Under: alright
23. Undeclared: what?
24. Dexter: I will try this… am worried I will always think of him as a gay brother
25. Buffy the Vampire Slayer: not for me
26. The Venture Bros.: who?
27. Flight of the Conchords: Murray and Mel are amazing
28. Eastbound & Down: why?
29. Wonder Showzen: where?
30. The West Wing: NO.

Notable absences? I say Scrubs, Family Guy, Season 1 of Gray’s Anatomy and omg, Entourage because Ari Gold and Lloyd…period (full stop).

Dear Jonah,

We were just sort of trucking along with life and all of the sudden I noticed that you are like a completely different person. Well, I shouldn’t say different. You still have that fantastic nose and your same fat rolls and yep, that horrible, horrible refluxy pain cry that breaks the sound barrier. Our weird neighbors upstairs who are from an unidentifiable European nation were kind enough to tell me they hear it too. At 4am nightly. They must be German with their precise-ness.

Nope, it’s not so much your appearance. Although your hair is now growing back and it appears to be a dirty blonde reddish color. You must belong to me. It’s your, for lack of a better word, personality. All of the sudden you are doing all these things: staring at me and then taking my glasses off my face, laughing more, pushing our hands away when you don’t like what those hands are trying to accomplish, holding onto books and toys and actually manipulating them, putting your pacifier/dummy back in your mouth and rolling over. Sort of. When you really feel like it. But it’s awesome and I am totally proud of you. You’re eating rice cereal and it’s so not a big deal to you. And all of the sudden the other night when your daddy and I were halfway through dinner, you grabbed a paper shopping bag and started playing with it. That blew our minds a little bit. Like, when did you realize you could do that?

We have moved beyond the part where my sole mission is to keep you alive, and now we get to try and entertain you. I see that you have a discerning taste in your humor and I view it as a personal challenge. Nothing easy like zerberts or tickling. Those things are for amateurs. Even peek-a-boo sometimes makes you yawn. That my son, means you really came from us. I look forward to the millions of laughs I know this family will share.

But I admit too that your increased awareness and expectation for an exciting world around you means sometimes I stick you in front of a Baby Einstein DVD. Jonah, some parents recently won a lawsuit against the company that makes those DVDs after it was proven they don’t actually make babies smarter. And this is a good lesson for you. People are stupid and gullible. Americans also like to sue. It’s a national pastime. And thank goodness for that, because your mama got her law degree. But unlike those crazy people, I know the videos won’t make you smarter. But they do get our bathroom clean and the laundry folded. Know what I’m saying?

Although I admired the idea of schedules and routines for a baby, we were never cut out for that, were we? Sometimes we walk all over central London, and sometimes we never leave the couch. But we got over some hurdles like not swaddling and now, if you’re in the mood- you will take a proper nap in your mini little crib/cot at the foot of our bed. You do this thing now… and by the way, it is amazing how children just develop new “things” out of nowhere… anyway, your new thing is that when you’re trying to fall asleep, you like if we hold your arms gently down. Otherwise they freak you out. Flying appendages everywhere. It’s all too much. So there we go with that new little thing and I tell you quietly in your ear that you should just go right ahead and dream about monkeys and turtles and dinosaurs and mommy and daddy. And that when you wake, I’ll be there.

But I must confess that I like it when you’re not in the mood and you rebel against sleeping there, and in a fit of exhausted desperation, and in total defiance of every “expert”, I swoop you up and lay you on our bed. And then your breathing slowly calms down and your eyelids get heavy and you wait for me to place a doggy under each hand so that you have something to hold on to. And then when you wake up, if I’m right there, you reach out and play with all the parts of my face. And the thing is Jonah- what I am really trying to say is- I don’t think there is a human being on earth whose eyes I have looked into as much as yours. So I guess that makes me one of those moms. Those totally in love, so far gone, smiley and weepy moms.

You’re the best boy.

I love you.

Mommy

Ahhhhhhhhhh. I did it. I actually did it. Didn’t think I would. And then

all of the sudden

I read somewhere that Mindy Kaling twitters. And it was a foregone conclusion that I would join too. And it’s worth it. Her Kelly Kapoor page is simply a bonus.

So it turns out right now I can handle Twitter more than Facebook. I can be totally passive and instead laugh out loud, LOUDLY, at the people I am “following”.

A random sampling of some recent faves:

Lo Boswoth (she of The Hills): ..every person deserves access to affordable healthcare..

Rachel Zoe: I am not at one with sweats outside the house or gym, but try harem pants or wide-leg jeans…just as comfy!

Jim Gaffigan: Just saw someone in a fur coat walking a dog. “I love to take care of animals AND wear them!” If only they were holding a burger.

shitmydadsays: “If mom calls, tell her I’m shitting… Son, marriage is about not having to lie about taking a shit.

badbanana: By my count, Jim Carrey only has one more iconic Christmas role to ruin. Two, if you include baby Jesus.

Tracy Morgan: For $15 I’ll induce your labor

OchoCinco (he makes me want to understand football): Dear lord you’re mistake free, please don’t forsake me, i will let your (our) light shine today, luck isn’t needed<–enjoy today’s event and Ravens Prayer: dear lord please forgive me for the sins I’m getting ready commit, for they don’t know I’m one of your children! Amen

Mindy Kaling: it was a terrific day, professionally, personally, and also, i did not shower and ate bacon

Facebook right now for me is the opposite. Completely un-funny, boring, sometimes depressing, and another reminder of my shortcomings. Ugh, I forgot to upload photos of my baby/trip/holiday. My phone is too old-school for mobile uploads. I tagged someone in a bikini and now she is mad. I wrote a status update and no one commented. I looked at 200 photos of someone I haven’t spoken to in 20 years and the pathetic vortex just sucked precious time away from my dwindling maternity leave. Need I go on?

Sure I miss little things like updates from my friends, the email function, birthday reminders and the 5% of photos that I actually wanted to see. And it’s highly likely that I will now never see another photo of my nephews or find out my cousin is pregnant in a timely fashion. But Facebook and I are taking a break. You know what’s cool? You can “deactivate” in about one second and if you ever change your mind, it takes one second to log back in and voila! everything is there. If you want the challenge of life without FB, try it. It’s like a liquid diet, a fast, a colonic. See if you don’t feel a wee bit lighter.

So can you all please join Twitter? Or create a blog? I am boring myself here. Tell me who to follow. I am a novice too.

Saw Wilco last night with friends. Was v. v. v. fun.

But more important than that- I made a Shepherd’s Pie this week. If that, plus the fact that I use the words “ages” and “loads” quite often, does not qualify me for British citizenship then I give up. (It’s because I used Quorn instead of meat/mince, right? Sigh.)

wait, nothing. I didn’t even get a t-shirt.

So Bryan was in NYC for four days over the weekend, mainly to see a Jets game with his friends in the last year the team will play in Giants Stadium (and the last year Bryan’s family will have their sick season tickets). It coincided with the world’s craziest Halloween parade- the one in the Village there.

I stayed in London and saw friends and contemplated how hard it would be to be a single parent. Not even just missing the extra pair of hands and all the attenuating baby and non-baby tasks those hands could accomplish… but missing having that person around that shares in the small and big feats and laughs at what’s funny and commiserates at what’s not. We were glad he came back. After a Halloween party filled with cute roller derby chicks, it wasn’t a given.

People from home ask me a lot if Halloween is “as big here”. I am never sure how to respond but the easiest answer is no. Not even close.

You will find candy in the stores and pumpkins for sale and even a spiderweb decoration in a store if you’re lucky. Adults have fancy dress parties (costume, achem) and a few places make lackluster efforts to do events for kids. Actually, the ones that do are American, like Whole Foods and those weird social clubs I refuse to join that are like sororities for grown-ups.

The best way I can explain that it’s just not the same is to tell you that when I asked the nine mothers from my prenatal class if their kids were dressing up, they all said no and seemed confused. When I brought Jonah to Gymboree dressed as a pumpkin, the staff and other mums had coniptions of cuteness. Because they had never seen such a thing. When I saw a little girl at a store dressed as a lion, I knew she was American before her mom even proved it when she spoke out loud. And so, no, it’s not even remotely the same. In America, I am pretty sure it is illegal to not dress your child up. And if it’s not against the law, I am sure there is some other parent in plastic devil horns willing to extract some vigilante justice on your a**. I miss that about my homeland. I do.

I also miss my dad’s roasted pumpkin seeds. I made some myself with Jonah watching from the bjorn. He seemed totally unimpressed with my carving abilities and seed-baking. His favorite part of Halloween was the 30 times I stuck the pacifier back in his mouth.

It also appears that the British take a more traditional approach to the holiday and favor scary costumes like ghouls and goblins and witches and monsters. This bit from a news article here made me laugh:

The other day I was perusing the Halloween section of an American fancy-dress website – as you are probably aware, Halloween in the US permits dressing up in non-spooky clothing, which is just one of the many things I have filed under Things I Shall Never Understand About America, alongside the national passion for Twinkies and the precise point of Los Angeles.

Apparently, Slutoween is an American concept. So, I don’t know- chalk that up as another +1 for the U.S.A. I’ve never been prouder.

–

Also, three of my friends ran the New York Marathon yesterday and got amazing race times. You know who you are friends and you just rule.

I am pleased to announce Erin the winner of yesterday’s giveaway. Erin, please enjoy the crap out of your Fiendish Fancies.

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Thanks to a few of his grandmothers and friends, Jonah is ready for All Hallows’ Eve.

Be safe everyone. No razor blades in your candy, mmkay.